Choosing Courage in our Relationships

“Courage” and “relationships” are not two words that we immediately think about in the same sentence. However relationships that come in all forms, be they with your partner, children, friends or in business require courage if we are going to live authentically. 

I have a secret passion and that is the real meaning of words. Understanding the true meaning of words, in my opinion, allows us to respect the gravitas of how impactful words really are and even more so, when we are using them to communicate with others. 

The root word of “courage” is “cor,” which refers to the heart - the “seat of emotions, spirit and state of mind.” It is a quality that enables you to meet dangerous or difficult circumstances, head on, despite the fear that you may feel or sense. I believe that herein lies the key...that despite the fear, you can meet the challenge head on.

Choosing courage in our relationships I interpret as showing up authentically as yourself in your relationships...it is the ability to honour the relationship and the other party in it through living your truth. Choosing courage means choosing firstly, to be your authentic self and as a result, allowing that authentic self to be present and thrive in the space of a relationship. As Paul Tilich teaches: ““The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself, in spite of being unacceptable.”

Being your authentic self,I believe, means suspending the voice of judgement and criticism when it comes to who you are. We are our own harshest critics, trying to live up to unattainable standards...standards that we often impose on ourselves.. We accept thoughts about who we are, without really taking the time to process them and then deciding if what we believe about ourselves is true or not. Are you the “emotional” one in a relationship because this is what countless people have told you and if you believe this to be untrue, why are you holding onto this belief about yourself. 

The long and the short of it really is to be mindful about who you are, what you want in a partner and a relationship. Relationships are not a fickle thing...it’s not fair to go into a relationship thinking you can change to be what someone else wants you to be, or thinking that you can “change them.” Decide what your boundaries are: decide where you will compromise and where you won’t. Understand that you are continually evolving and respect that your partner is too. There is courage in meeting one another where you’re at, while being able to honour who you are. It means consciously deciding to grow in the same direction. Courage means knowing that your fulfilment in life does not come from one another, but from within and freeing your partner from the expectation to fulfil you. 

When it comes to “cor,” matters of the heart, then vulnerability is part of courage. Brene Brown is probably one of the 21st centuries greatest advocates and teachers of vulnerability.

She teaches that “The definition of vulnerability is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. But vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our most accurate measure of courage.” She unpacks this further and states that to feel is to be vulnerable: “vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability and authenticity” (Ok, at this point I should just recommend you read the book, watch the videos,  and practice getting vulnerable). 

Having said all the above, courage in relationships means choosing to be vulnerable. It is allowing your partner, family, friends, and colleagues to see you for who you are. That level of exposure goes back to authenticity and practicing self-acceptance.

Choosing courage in relationships, means choosing trust. As someone who’s waged war on my insecurities for years, I had an incredible breakthrough when I realised that trust often starts with trusting ourselves. Mistakes you have made with relationships in your past do not define you. They are moments of teaching that you can choose to learn from without bitterness or angst. Don’t allow mistrust in yourself, which you transfer to your loved ones, to stop you from enjoying the fullness of what those relationships have to offer. You are only responsible for you. The moment I accepted this, I suddenly started coming into my own. I enjoyed myself far more, my marriage and my friendships on a far deeper level. To get to that far deeper level, I believe that communication is key.

Communication also means confrontation. It means choosing to confront the uncomfortable...it means “facing up to and dealing with” the messy, the stuff we won’t go sharing on social media. Importantly though; communication means to take your ego, put it out the door, leave defensiveness at the door, and listen deeply in order to authentically relate. Paul Tillich furthers his thoughts on love by stating that “The first duty of love is to listen.” I believe that this is deeply courageous and honouring for one another. It’s not easy, but once ego is deliberately set aside, clarity, peace and a way forward that will grow the relationship comes far easier. After enjoying a good discussion with my husband about these points, he mentioned something that is the foundation for our relationship. Forgiveness. All the damn time. Constantly. #kiddingbutnotreally

As for my family, we believe that it takes courage to deny your ego, to honour your partner’s needs... courage to choose to forgive, learn from mistakes and decide to move forward together. It takes courage to say yes to one another, every single day and out of that courage, beyond the difficulty, lies the true experience of joy in relationships.

By Kim Jansen | Creative Content

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Facebook: Kim Ilana Jansen