Cancelling Cancel Culture
Demonstrating Grace in Relationships
Yes, reading that does seem like a contradiction. I’m not excusing unacceptable comments or behaviour at all. What I am highlighting is this blatant removal of grace from society. I have said it before and I will say it again: from my observation, cancel culture leaves no room for forgiveness; it leaves no room to make amends. It merely ostracises without the real work of calling out the wrong behaviour, then taking on the responsibility of finding a solution, and integrating that solution, so that the wrong behaviour is rectified without the permanent presence of shame. What does this have to with Grace? Absolutely everything.
Psychologist and author, Kimberley Wilson, highlights that “Fundamentally, cancel culture is about shame. That’s right, as I observed “cancel culture” and tried to integrate what was happening around me, it hit me hard that cancel culture is a pervasive attitude that is the exact opposite of grace. Grace is about forgiveness, grace is about allowing space for redemption. While making mistakes is honestly one of the best ways to learn, we have stripped people of making mistakes. How else are we supposed to learn if there is no room for grace?
Kimberley highlights that cancel culture “creates an environment that doesn’t allow anyone to correct their behaviour (they should’ve known better), nor learn from their mistakes. And after all, mistakes, without sounding trite, are part of what makes us human. They’re how we grow and develop as people.”
“Cancel culture often denies the cancelled individual the most basic of human opportunities: to apologise and to be absolved,”
This changes the entire way we engage with the world and the relationships in our lives. Don’t be fooled. If we are not awake to what’s happening and the major influence culture and society can have on us, cancel culture will infiltrate into everything, including relationships. Instead of working through problems with someone close to us, we’ll feel more inclined to “cancel” that. Instead of seeing a mistake as precisely that, a mistake, we become less forgiving and could fall into the trap of a mistake overshadowing 90% of what is a good relationship. Grace can never be outdated. It’s the only reason marriages, friendships and all other relationships survive.
So what does this mean? For me, it means acknowledging that this culture exists. It means acknowledging that many countless behaviours can no longer be excused and need to be called out. The wisdom comes in knowing how to create room for sincere apologies and allow room for growth. It means that ultimately, you need to put on your big girl pants and know that through curiosity, non-judgement, grace, conversation and action, you have done whatever you needed to that allows a relationship to thrive. I believe that based on that, you can make a far more accurate decision on whether or not a relationship’s season is at an end and that each relationship in your life needs to be observed by its merit. This can only ever be accomplished through grace. So how about we adopt a new culture. One that allows room for growth, if all parties choose this of course, and rectifying the wrong.
Don’t sweat the small stuff
You don’t have to prove you’re right every single time. You don’t need to have a response or the last word every single time. It’s exhausting. It’s easy to allow the small foxes to destroy the vine. Some things can be let go of without drama. I think sometimes something doesn’t bother us much, but we have become so used to arguing and wanting to be right, that we choose to make it a big deal anyway. Choose your battles and don’t sweat the small stuff.
Forgive
Forgiveness is not about excusing the wrong. If your partner, friend or sibling asks for forgiveness, extend that to them with grace. Bigger issues require more work but 80% of the time, they aren’t issues that should break what you’re building.
Learn to ask for forgiveness
When you’re in the wrong, graciously learn to ask for forgiveness. Don’t simply sweep it under the carpet. It demonstrates that you not only acknowledge your wrongdoing in that instance but hopefully demonstrate that you care enough about having hurt someone you care about.
Create a safe space & stay kind
Kindness is often undervalued. Small, daily acts of kindness are more than doing something nice for someone. I have experienced that it will soften your hearts to one another. Creating that safe space through kindness allows for truth to blossom. At the same time, a safe space means that even though you lose your temper, even though stuff will get messy, there is room to come back and fix it.
Confront with Courage and Curiosity
One of my greatest lessons out of 2020 was the value of curiosity. Often we make a judgement about why something was done, creating a whole story in our minds. Confronting someone requires courage but instead of going in with the assumption that you know why they did what they did. Take the time for you both to explore why it was done to resolve the situation.
Extending grace in relationships takes courage and it means taking responsibility for making the decisions of how you want your relationships to grow...or not. It’s not easy, but man, in a world that is so stressed out and unforgiving, you create space within yourself, and others around you, that opens the door to wholeness and healing when you need it most.
By Kim Jansen