Grace, until we get to shore

You are so weak.

Give up to grace.

The ocean takes care of each wave ’til it gets to shore.

You need more help than you know.

– Rumi

We need more help than we know, yet we pride ourselves in not needing any help at all. We need more help than we know, yet we berate ourselves when we fall short. 

We need help but we shudder at the thought because we fail to extend ourselves grace and in turn, do not extend it to each other. 

Researcher and storyteller Brené Brown says if we attach value to giving help, we also attach value to needing help. And therefore, if we have built our identity around being the helper, needing help brings us shame. If you live in a world where giving help makes you feel just a little better about yourself then needing help becomes a threat to your ego as it places you on the other end of your self-image stick. So in truth, the issue isn’t that we need help, the issue is we believe we shouldn’t. 

“When we are asked to extend grace to someone else, we are giving them favor or approval they haven’t earned. In order to do that, we’re going to have to look at that person with compassion, sympathy, and concern for their sufferings and misfortunes.” 

- Laura McClellan 

In order to extend grace to ourselves, we are going to have to look at ourselves with compassion and sympathy and concern. Compassion, unlike sympathy, pity or even empathy, is shown through action. Compassion is a tangible expression of love as it recognizes the suffering of others and takes action to help. Compassion is a key ingredient of grace.

So how does it work when we are suffering? How can we extend grace to ourselves through compassion? 

In order for us to create room for our shortcomings, our pain or even our suffering, we must be able to acknowledge our suffering as a matter of fact and not as a stain on our self-image. A key component of compassion is mindfulness, therefore compassion can only be deployed when we are present for all our feelings. When we are present in our feelings, we are better suited to also identify what our suffering is and what we need to aid it. Mindfulness affords us the opportunity to offer ourselves compassion when we need it most - in the shame storm.

The second component of compassion is kindness. Being kind to ourselves is what cultivates our compassion. Kindness nourishes the soil where grace is planted.

And finally, community makes compassion possible. Seeing yourself in other people and understanding that someone else’s suffering is not just meant to be acknowledged but also alleviated. Our sense of connectedness is perhaps the golden key to grace. 

Compassion, like many fruits of love, is a gift that when given to self is also automatically given to others. In order for us to be able to grow in love, heal from suffering and extend ourselves to become the highest expressions of ourselves, we will need grace not just for ourselves but for others as well. 

The ocean takes care of each wave ’til it gets to shore. The journey of a wave to shore is tumultuous and requires a great deal of compassion and grace. We are the waves and together, we are the ocean. We must care for one another until we get to shore.

By Phemi Segoe @phemisegoe on all social media