Learning to Just KISS

One of the most incredible gifts we have as mothers is gut instinct. If I as an adult can feel overwhelmed by the expectations of this world, surely my children can too? Well, that’s what I have seen at least. I have often felt guilty about not packing out the girls’ days with activities while they are on holiday and yet, intuition has told me that it may just be the right thing to do. My mother was a working mother and yet, my sister and I never felt “robbed” or as though she loved us less when we were left to play at home with the housekeeper looking after us, and only a few days of activities scheduled because my mother had to work.

Let me be upfront about one thing, there are many ways to parent and you need to discover what works for your family. Naturally, I decided to do some reading and research around having a more simplistic approach to parenting. This is what I’ve discovered. 

As an advocate of growing in mindfulness, studies and information that are centred on mindfulness practices in parenting I will gravitate towards and to be honest, it seems to find me. I’ve discovered over the past few years to just KISS. A term I borrowed from my Marketing Textbooks, except in this instance it refers to “KEEP IT SIMPLE SUNSHINE.” As Lisa Ross highlights: “So many choices and so much stimuli rob them of time and attention. Too much stuff deprives kids of leisure, and the ability to explore their worlds deeply.” ― Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids.

So, how do I KISS? Well, I have allowed my girls to be “bored,” and embraced it. I have let the guilt go. The rewards have been incredible. We laugh quietly, and deeply when we hear them play together and make up their stories. They have made televisions, robots, dollhouses and computers from cardboard boxes. I have loved seeing them drape themselves in fabric and create “fashion shows” or put on plays and dance shows for us. What I believe this allows them to do, is discover who they are, what they like and in turn, we get to know more about our children. So allow them space to simply be, to play and activate their imaginations. 

Bring the principles of mindfulness to your “being” as a parent. Being present or mindful is an act of being present and in the “here and now” as you’re interacting with your child. Headspace.com describes mindful parenting as: “Mindful parenting is breaking down our day into manageable chunks, moving forward task by task. In doing so, we gradually train the mind to be more present. In being more present, we experience more calm, clarity, and a renewed sense of perspective, which in turn, makes room for increased compassion and empathy.” 

Studies from the University of Vermont have demonstrated that bringing mindfulness practices to our engagement with our children results in “more positive and less negative parenting behaviour, which was then linked to more positive behaviour in their kids, including less anxiety, depression, and acting out.” 

In an ideal world where curveballs aren’t thrown at us, this would be easy to put into practice, but what do we do when we’re caught off guard while working when our children need our attention. I have found the following practices from headspace.com are quite similar to my own that I have taken note of in my journal:

Take a deep breath. Gather yourself and focus on what you can see, hear, smell taste and feel to bring you into the moment. Shift your focus to your breath and release it slowly. Pause for a moment to observe how you feel, without getting caught up in your irritation or anger or whatever it is you’re feeling. Once you feel more centred, turn your attention to your child and engage with them. This may seem foreign and you’re children may find it strange, but explain to them ahead of time how you would like to start responding. Children are incredibly receptive, open and smart. They will work with you and when they see the more positive aspect, they will adapt and what I have noticed is my eldest daughter starts taking deep breaths and is so much calmer too. 

All they really want is us as parents. Our children want to be seen, heard and acknowledged by us. Isn’t it so powerful to think that we can mould the relationship we want to have with them for the rest of our lives by simply being aware and present. While we may not always get it right and while there are many experts in the world of parenting, I advocate to just KISS. 

By Kim Jansen