Emotional Responsibility

At the beginning of our lockdown, I read tweets like “watch who checks up on you during this period” and I couldn’t roll my eyes back, far enough. The expectation that other people must have the capacity to take on whatever you’re going through is maddening.

It’s self-centred to assume that your friends or even partner always have the emotional bandwidth for your ‘stuff’. By being unable to recognize that other people are equally challenged and need support as much as you do, you created a one-sided relationship that is both draining and toxic.

Are you draining your friends? Are you offloading more than your partner can handle? Is it time to see a therapist?

Your friend that gives you great advice and is always willing to listen is an amazing support system, but he or she is not your therapist. Often, especially in the POC community, therapy is very misunderstood and sometimes, trivialized. I’ve heard someone say, “if he can’t talk to his own family, what does he have to say to a stranger?” The answer is, alot! A regular person, no matter how empathic, can only help you carry your load so far. Your partner isn’t meant to fight your battles for you and shouldn’t be held accountable for your lack of fulfilment or joy. Even our parents aren’t built to keep us together, forever. That’s our job.

Our emotions are our responsibility. Our demons are ours to face. Our struggles are ours to overcome. We belong to ourselves and are responsible for taking care of ourselves. Yes, we need support and yes, those closest to us can provide it but ultimately, when they can’t, it shouldn’t be our undoing.

Taking care of ourselves looks like being aware of emotional struggles we can’t yet face. Taking care of ourselves looks like knowing when to call a professional to help us unpack the parts of ourselves we’ve been expecting other people to fix or love.

When we’re physically unwell, our first instinct isn’t to tell a friend about it and then do nothing. Our first adult response is to either go to the pharmacy to get medicine or go to the doctor and be helped. We treat our physical well-being with more urgency because physical symptoms are so overtly obvious and demand to be felt while emotional collapse is more subtle and unseen.

We’ve been taught to undermine our mental health and emotional wellbeing so much that prioritizing it can often feel uncomfortable. Sometimes we need emotional surgery but instead, we put a bandaid on our pain by going out with friends or oversharing on social media and re-triggering ourselves. It’s time to stop the self-sabotage and get it together. Self-love is being honest with yourself about your needs and self-care and making sure those needs are met.

No one means to be “too much” for their friends or for a partner to handle. The rejection that comes with someone not being able to give you what you can’t give yourself is enough to send you reeling so instead of setting everyone up to fail, including yourslf, be intentional. Be intentional about your stuff and what you will discuss with who. Give yourself a chance to heal and to be a healthy friend or partner by having someone who’s trained to help you navigate, in your corner.

There comes a time in all our lives when the finger pointing has to stop. When our parents can no longer be blamed. When the scapegoating gets stale. When no one who left actually matters. When all the trauma you’ve experienced needs to be faced so you can heal. That’s adulthood and that’s exactly when you need therapy.