The power of Holding Space
You may have heard the term that people are “holding space” for someone, but what does that mean? Over the past two years, I have heard the term “holding space” more frequently just because of the trauma the world is experiencing.
Two wonderful definitions make the definition of holding space a bit clearer.
It is ”to be present with someone, without judgment. It means you donate your ears and heart without wanting anything in return. It involves practising empathy and compassion. You accept someone's truths, no matter what they may be, and put your needs and opinions aside, allowing someone to just be.”
From my Coaching circle experiences, holding space creates space for silence, not responding with our thoughts, so that whoever is being “held” can sense and listen to the answer coming from within. The thick silence is only punctuated with probative questions that help the person giving voice to their situation to reflect and go deeper to find answers at that moment and become complete.
It’s not as easy as it sounds because when something resonates with us or triggers us, we involve our thoughts and voice in the conversation to “talk” and agree or disagree...this is not the same thing. That would be “sharing experiences” which is not quite the same thing. This is very mindfully putting your ego aside and staying quiet until you have a relevant question that helps them go deeper into what they are experiencing.
Practically there are a few steps you can take to effectively hold space for someone:
Active and Deep Listening: the practice of sensing and listening deeply without the intention of having a response, opinion or answer. This is listening to truly understand. This is also a heart connection and requires listening without judgement. This sounds easy but it’s a skill that is practised. Mind Body Green describes listening with non-judgement as “non-judgmental is someone or something that does not express an opinion.”
Validate their experience or emotions: This is not about how you would feel in a situation, but about the person, you’re holding space for. You may not understand, but being present with them will help you empathise and validate all they are experiencing.
Psychotherapist Divya Robin reminds us that “People's openness and willingness to explore their emotions are influenced by how comfortable and safe they feel in the space they are expressing themselves.” She further reminds us that “when someone holds space for another person, they feel safe to be vulnerable, imperfect and express their raw emotions.
Just Breathe: Breathwork is a powerful tool. When the person you’re holding space for is struggling, do a few deep breaths which will allow them to connect to self and in turn, connect to you.
Don’t play miss “fix it.” You don’t have to have a solution: This is one of the most powerful lessons that I have learnt. The answer they need will come from within. It takes practice asking the right questions and of course, you may make observations if required, but trust me, the answer always comes from the person you’re holding space for. Sometimes, they don’t need an answer from you, they just needed you to hold the space for them to process.
Holding space for someone is a gift, especially someone you love. We put aside our preconceived ideas about someone we know; we put aside our judgments; we put aside our ego, knowing that all they need is for us to be…be present with them at that moment so that the answer reveals itself. In my experience, this has always allowed me to get “complete” or allow the person that I am holding space for to do the same. Getting complete is a beautiful way for anyone to tie any loose ends together and be reconnected to self.
By Kim Jansen